socio-political self-help and stuff
i’ve been in a bit of a funk for a bit. actually for more than a bit. probably most of my life. yes, i’ve experienced moments of happiness, growth and light. but somewhere out there always lay an ominous cloud. a heaviness. a funk that i just couldn’t shake, as much as i tried. i used mantras, visualization, self-help, therapy – you name it, i’ve likely tried it in order to release the burdens of a less-than-functional childhood.
but because i couldn’t, my painful beginnings became my painful existence. i became addicted to that pain. i sought it everywhere it could be found. in dysfunctional, toxic relationships. in relationships that had the potential to be healthy. in everyday life. in atypical life. everywhere that i went, my pain was sure to go…
i’ve spent the greater part of the last month exploring that pain. getting to the root of all of it. sitting with it. preparing myself to really let the story line go this time. why, you ask? because i am sick and tired of reliving the same shit over and over again. and really, i already know how it always ends, because that is the one part that never changes. history will surely repeat itself if you choose to stay stuck in it. just because something happened at the age of two does not mean it needs to happen again at thirty-two. the more you resist the memories, the more you create additional ones that look just like them. and so, i let myself feel the emotions that i once suppressed, numbed and denied. on some time-traveler type ish, i went back to those dark places that i’d tried so hard to forget (and maybe even did for a moment) and i let myself feel the pain that i’d never allowed myself to feel. i let it touch my deepest core. i cried. i wept. i stomped my feet – anything and everything that i needed to do to no longer deny that the things that became my blueprint had actually happened.
and today, i decided to stop it all. i’ve felt enough. explored enough energy and patterns. cried an amazon and a nile. and now, i am choosing to release it all. all of the anger. the madness. the chaos. the pain. the addictions to all of them. i didn’t even recognize that one could be addicted to a state – but i accept that i was. and i forgive myself for being there. and am ready to step into the woman that i know myself to be. i know that those cycles and all the crap that came with them were necessary to make me into that woman. so i hold nothing but gratitude for it all.
and now it’s time to flick the lights. close the bar. pop the balloons. my pity party is officially over. and now, i shall live.