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on love and loss

my grandmother passed away at the ripe age of 87 years old this week. just six days before her 88th.  i found myself disappointed at the way the news was broken to me. and that she didn’t wait until next month when i could visit before she said her final goodbye. i know that most probably think that i am dead wrong for being upset with my dead grandmother. but hey. i’m doing the best i can to process losing someone who’d been one of the only constants in my life.

if nothing or no one else, my grandmother was always around. even in the years that we didn’t and couldn’t get along, she was there. through the abandonment by my father and countless boyfriends, she was there. and as i traveled to various parts of the world, spending months at a time away from the city of my birth, she was there, waiting to hear about all of the crazy things i’d experienced. and now she is not.

i don’t know if i am dealing with this properly. or if i am even dealing with it at all. so all i’ve got is disappointment. because the next time i return to washington, dc, there will be no need for me to get off the metro at dupont circle, stop in krispy kreme and cvs to pick up some grandma goodies, then make my way down to her nursing home to tell her about all of the things that have been happening in my life. i won’t get to tell her that i love her and that i’m still not married (as she reminds me that she had five husbands). i won’t get to tell her that she is beautiful, one more time, so that she can tell me that she used to be, with that ever so matter-of-fact expression she was known for. and that pisses me off.

i was really counting on being able to do all of those things on my next trip. and she had to go and leave…

i know that this all probably sounds extremely selfish. and i will admit that it is. and i find no shame in it. especially when one of the only people in my life that always stayed, is gone. i am sure she knows that i won’t always be upset with her moving on. and she knows that i am happy that she is no longer sitting with the pain of having cancer. but. she was my girl. i told her so in our last conversation and she said that she likes that. and that was our last conversation…

i will never forget the woman who is responsible for my existence. or the path that she laid before mine. those wednesday nights that we watched dynasty and knots landing, and ate the microwave popcorn that she would buy for us by the case from boy scouts. that she made me into a proud short-rib snob. and so, grandma. i am disappointed that you won’t be there the next time i am home. but you will always be here. so i guess i forgive you. and will never stop loving you…

my beautiful grandma... as she used to be.

my beautiful grandma… as she used to be. 1926 – 2014

2 comments on “on love and loss

  1. Amber Davis

    Beautiful tribute! Grandma did her job right with you. She left when she needed to, but not before perfecting what she left behind.

    • rachel m. walls

      thank you. i know. still frustrated. this will definitely pass…


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This entry was posted on 2014/03/15 by in stuff and tagged , , , , , .

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