socio-political self-help and stuff
i love my alone time. i never thought i would. or could. for the better part of my life, i always needed someone. anyone. around to take my focus off of me. and when life’s circumstances dictated forced alone time, i’d fill that time with figuring out how to get someone. anyone. to please come out and play.
that is, until i decided to go traveling to various parts of this wonderful planet alone. for almost two years… yes, i’d traveled alone before. quite extensively. but in those trips, i desperately clamored for new buddies and new faces to take away the loneliness i felt in being alone with myself. being alone with me felt incredibly unbearable.
i suppose much of it has to do with who i was at the time. for the better part of my life, i chose to live life inauthentically. seeking approval externally. needing someone else to tell me that i am okay. even if i didn’t believe it. or them. being alone with me sucked. and so for years, i went from person to person to person to person… love me! like me! don’t you wanna be me?! trying to make them believe that whoever i chose to be in that moment, was someone they wanted around. or a pretty good replica.
daddy issues! tossed with a bit of mommy, too.
in those two years of travel, i learned to appreciate that being alone only means loneliness if you give it that title. that being alone is not a curse or anything more than, being alone. that it’s okay. no. it’s freaking amazing when you discover your new best friend within. and she is me. me! authentically… in deciding to change my life. to live it for me. to be exactly who i am every day, without fail. i discovered the joy in being alone. the joy of doing nothing, if i so choose. the joy in allowing my spirit to express itself in the unpretentious beauty of living. the joy of just being with me. without someone. anyone. to give it to or take it away from me.