socio-political self-help and stuff
i yelled at someone today. i want to say that it’s not something that i do regularly. but in hindsight, i’m beginning to see that i do. and i can’t even say that she deserved it. i mean, who ever really deserves disrespect? she was only playing her role in the play of my life. just another person on this stage. or maybe she represented a test. one that i failed miserably…
all she did was speak her mind. tell her opinion. voice her concern – to someone else. her objection wasn’t even directed to me. but it annoyed the bejesus out of me, so i immediately jumped down her throat. told her all kinds of things about herself. how she thinks she knows everything, when she really knows nothing. how she completely overstepped her bounds, had no right telling anyone else how she felt – let alone to even feel that way. how she made
us me look like a stuck-up idiot.
this entire interaction occurred all in my head. she is me. that little conversation revealed how my self-talk is ridiculously hyper-critical and damned near emotionally abusive. it’s like i have absolutely no respect for myself. yet demand it from others. can you imagine my reaction to someone else if they even thought to say those spirit-breaking words directly to me? let’s just say that if i were traveling in another country, it would definitely be an exception to my ‘you cannot end up on locked up abroad‘ rule.
but i did it to myself. i do it to myself. all the time. something happens. or i say something without thinking it through first. and spend the next few hours (sometimes much longer), replaying the scene in my head, telling myself how stupid it was to do that. to say that. to feel that, even.
i don’t even know where this began. when in my life did i decide that it was cool to completely berate myself? because i know that the key is looking back to that point in my life and re-approaching myself with acceptance and forgiveness. but when it’s something that is so pervasive (such as this), where does one start?
i guess i must begin right here. right now. recognizing it. being mindful of when it happens. immediately reminding myself that everything that happens is the right thing. and that i must give the love, honor and respect to myself, in order to receive it from others. starting with what i say to myself…