socio-political self-help and stuff
the truth… sometimes it hurts. sometimes so much so that we cannot even tell it to ourselves. like telling ourselves that a particular behavior is okay, when deep inside, we know that it isn’t. or that we shouldn’t feel a certain way about something – even though that feeling is exactly what we’re feeling in a given moment. and how about we witness something that we just don’t want to believe – maybe the infidelity of a spouse or a lie from a friend – so we sit in silence and sweep the truth under the rug. it’s neat and clean that way, right?
uh. no. to pretend that something is okay with us, when it isn’t, is a denial of our authentic selves. who we are. what we feel. as is denying our emotional response to life happening around us. and, of course, pretending that what is happening isn’t.
a while back, in a post titled “authentically,” i discuss the merits in finding and honoring one’s authentic voice. the importance of making decisions based only on what we feel – without influence of what others want for us… i can admit that the post left much to be desired, as i omitted discussion on being truthful with ourselves. i can only surmise that it is because the lesson in self-honesty hadn’t presented itself just yet.
in my most recent past, i’ve had the pleasure of learning all about being truthful with myself. ’cause, let me tell you – there was a whole lotta stuff that i’d not been brave enough to face. standing in a place of pretense for too many reasons – not wanting to hurt others with my truth. not wanting to upset the status quo. not wanting to admit to myself the truth of what was actually happening around me…
smiling in the faces of people who don’t honor this woman. telling myself that it’s okay – when it wasn’t. i am totally apologetic to anyone who was hurt by my inauthenticity. including myself. because at the end of the day, i was the one hurting. masking my hurt as anger. because if i’m angry – it means that i didn’t let anyone get to me. allowing me to put up a wall in order to keep vulnerabilities at bay. or so i thought…
i had to admit the truth of my feelings to myself. it wasn’t anger i was feeling. it was pain. pain that made its presence known in my joints and stomach and as a migraine. painful feelings that i could not deny. it took me acknowledging its presence for it to go. to just tell myself the truth. to accept that i am vulnerable. and yes, someone(s) hurt me. it doesn’t make me “weak.” it only means that i’m human.
since making that realization, and deciding that i wish for absolute truth with myself, i’ve had the opportunity to do the same with others. to speak from my authentic self. from a place of love. and truth. i can’t tell you how freeing it’s been. yes, i’ve ended a few associations, as a result. and at least it’s all coming from a place of authenticity.
then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. john 8:32 niv